Do you ever feel angry?  Of course you do.  We all do.  Anger is a basic human emotion.  It is normal and sometimes even necessary to feel anger in response to certain circumstances.  Strong emotions often have something important to tell us. However, we can plainly see that anger is also the source of much pain, division, and dysfunction in the life of an angry person and within relationships and communities.  Anger has the capacity to be constructive and purposeful, but more often it becomes destructive and vengeful.  To avoid such negative outcomes, we could withhold or suppress our anger entirely, but this tends to produce resentment and passive-aggression which ultimately lead to equally negative results over time.

So what are we to do with our anger?  How can we defuse the destructive aspects of anger so that its constructive and important aspects can be clearly expressed?

Scripture acknowledges this very same tension in regard to anger.  It portrays anger as something that is reasonable and in some cases righteous while also giving dire and repeated warnings about the pitfalls of anger.  In Ephesians 4:26, Paul captures both sides of this in his instruction to “be angry and do not sin.”  This follows Paul’s exhortation to “put off the old self” and to “put on the new self” that bears the “likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” with a series of imperatives that detail what this ought to look like (4:22-24).  Being angry, therefore, can coexist with godliness, but it must not produce sinfulness of any kind.

Easier said than done, right?!  So, again, what are we to do with our anger so that it produces godliness and avoids sinfulness?  Here are a few principles to consider.

Slow things down.

In the heat of the moment, our unchecked emotional response to anger will invariably be more destructive than constructive.  Yelling, cursing, physical aggression, verbal counterattacks, defensiveness, stonewalling, withdrawal – all forms of “fight or flight” stress response that cause more harm than good.  As Paul tells the Ephesians, “let all bitterness and wrath and [hostility] and clamor and slander be put away from you” (4:31).  Simply put, we usually cannot do this without taking some time and space to decompress.  Asking for a couple of hours alone before re-engaging may be sufficient, though some might require more time when the emotions are especially strong.  Practicing a calming and/or enjoyable activity during this time can also be helpful.  Moving slowly when angry allows for the most immediate and intense parts of our emotions to subside and provides space to safely set aside such harmful reactive impulses.  Most importantly, the point here is NOT to suppress anger and just move on but rather to lower its temperature enough to be able to see clearly, respond carefully, and communicate effectively.

Reflect before you respond.

Asking yourself a few good questions can go a long way toward defusing anger and identifying what is constructive and important about it.

What other emotions am I feeling beneath the anger?

Are there any needs, values, or boundaries that are being negatively affected by this situation?

How can I choose to respond in a way that expresses these concerns most appropriately?

Anger can often hover on the surface of other “softer” emotions - such as hurt, sadness, worry, or fear – trying to guard against the possibility of experiencing such pain and vulnerability.  It can also come in response to the violation or neglect of an underlying need, value, or personal boundary.  Here anger tries to stand up and assert itself on behalf of something deeply important to us.  Recognizing the impact of these other needs and emotions as part of anger can provide clarity about what is really happening within us in these moments.  It also creates differentiation between the anger itself and these other concerns rather than keeping everything lumped together as one big mess of negative feelings.  As a result, we may come to recognize the parts of our anger that are in fact worth expressing and can then determine how to do that most appropriately.

Aim to heal, not to harm.

Throughout this process, be mindful of the motivation that is driving your response to anger.  If your aim is to inflict hurt, get even, pass blame, command attention, or prove a point, then your anger will prove to be destructive.  If instead your aim is to be known and understood more fully so that the relationship might be deepened, then you are on a constructive path.  Just as Paul reminds the Ephesians to “speak the truth…for we are members of one another,” so we must relate to one another in our anger as if we are caring for our very own bodies and seeking its own good while doing so (4:25).  With Paul we also remember that, even in our anger, we may choose to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (4:32).

So yes, be angry.  And when you are, move slowly, reflect carefully, and aim toward healing.  In this way, your anger can actually produce something worthwhile.

In case you missed it…

WELCOME EDNA LIMA!

Our team continues to grow, and in January we welcomed our newest clinician, Edna Lima! We are so grateful to have her skills, experience, character, and compassion as part of our team. Click the link above to learn more about Edna and the rest of the Harbor team.

THE HERE & NOW BLOG

The Harbor blog, entitled “The Here and Now,” continues to feature weekly contributions from our staff on a wide range of topics. Check out recent posts on identity, gratitude, self-care practices, and mind-body care. Bookmark it and check back regularly for more to come!

Harbor Christian Counseling provides clinically skilled, biblically informed, gospel driven counseling services for individuals, couples, and families in the Greater Boston area. Our team also seeks to partner with local churches to provide training and resources that promote a more effective and compassionate ministry to mental health issues within the church. We rely on financial support from partners like YOU to keep this mission going.  Thank you for your ongoing support!